I’m writing today to share something deeply important to me.
You see, I’ve spent the past 5 years working with people to help them transform and heal their lives. I started out on this mission because of a deep healing I was able to access for myself.
It was so profound that I wanted to share this with others and help them get the incredible relief from panic, anxiety and fear I was able to feel after healing a debilitating anxiety disorder.
That was my “why”.
This was enough to get me started but I’ve since learned that I had a deeper “why” buried inside.
I was helping some people and it was certainly rewarding but I never felt I was making the BIG impact I really wanted to make.
I even had a period of time where I went back part time to the profession I had retired from because it was “safe” and “known”. But quickly I felt dissatisfied with this and knew I had gone as far as I could there in my comfort zone as even it was no longer “comfortable”.
It was right in the middle of that period that I got the biggest wake up call of my life.
I got one of those phone calls you hope you never get.
I was just getting out of teaching a yoga class and turned my phone back on to see missed calls from my mother who I knew would not call that many times in a row unless something was wrong.
I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I called my mother back and she asked me where I was. Her voice sounded as strange as I’ve ever heard it. “I’m driving home, why?”
“Call me as soon as you get home.” I could tell she was trying to hide the panic in her voice.
“It sounds like something is wrong, why can’t you tell me now?” I was starting to get really freaked out.
“Just call me as soon as you get home” she repeated with conviction.
“You’re scaring me, are you ok?”
“I’m fine, just call me as soon as you get in the house.”
We hung up and I was at least 45 minutes away from home in heavy traffic. My mind raced as I tried to imagine what could possibly be so wrong she couldn’t tell me while I was driving.
I tried to stay calm and even tapped a little because I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my system and my heart rate was increasing.
As soon as I pulled into my driveway and was getting out of the car I was dialing my mother back.
She answered as I was stepping onto the front patio and very quickly said to me, “There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just going to say it……..
“Your brother committed suicide.”
I heard these words as I put the key in the door. I slipped into what felt like a slow motion state.
I actually wasn’t sure if I was awake or dreaming for a moment. I came in the house and stood inside the doorway and dropped everything I was carrying in my hands as though I had lost all strength in my limbs.
I said, “WHAT?!” as though I needed to hear her say it again to make sure it was real.
“Your brother committed suicide.” she repeated.
What came out of me was a sound I’d never heard myself make before. It seemed to come from a deep place I was not aware of and I heard myself as though I was watching from the outside.
It was like a scream but not one I had ever made before. Sort of a guttural wail.
My wife ran over to me as I handed her the phone like it was on fire and she took it from me.
I think I ran into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed but it’s still a bit fuzzy.
That was the shock. After that, all the stages of grieving came.
It’s been 18 months since that day and what I can share with you is that through the painful process of losing my little brother, I was able to derive a beautiful and profound awareness eventually.
You see, I went over and over in my head for a long time trying to figure out if there was something I could have done to prevent what happened.
I worked with my coach for a long time to release guilt and shame around it.
I knew my brother better than anyone in his life.
Yes, he struggled with addictions and mental issues but that is not an answer to why he was driven to end his life.
He tried many times to overcome these afflictions but ultimately failed.
I’ve told myself it was because he just didn’t have the resources and the support he really needed but the truth is no one will really know why he did what he did…….
And that’s the painful part.
Sometimes I still think if I just tried harder to reach him or been more persistent I could have gotten through to him or made some sort of difference.
“I should have tried harder” is the voice that visits me.
My brother and I had not spoken in over 2 years before the incident.
The last time I saw him alive we had a huge conflict and big drama that affected the whole family.
He told me never to contact him again…… and I didn’t.
I can’t tell you how much guilt I had to work through about the fact that I had considered calling him on what was going to be his 40th birthday. He passed away two weeks before that day.
If I had just called!!!! Why was I waiting? (oh, the guilt)
Who knows if calling him would have made any difference or given me any insight into why.
What really matters is I’ve accepted the truth that no person can be emotionally responsible for another person regardless of the kind of relationship they have.
Parents, Siblings, Grandparents, Extended Family, Spouses, Friends, Co-workers.
It doesn’t matter how close you are to someone. You can’t “fix” their problems for them.
I believe we are all on this planet for a reason and we came here with the resources already inside of us to heal ourselves.
All we can really do for another is hold a space for their own healing and empowerment.
If you try to take someone’s lesson from them by removing their pain, you deprive them of the victory of healing from within!
No one wants to see those they care about in pain. But there are times when we have done all we are truly at a loss.
The rest is up to them and we cannot judge their path no matter how unnecessary it appears to us.
What I observed in my family members and myself that seemed to cause the most pain around my brother’s death was not knowing the reason why he did it.
Sure, there were circumstances around the event that may have contributed to his unstable state of mind, but he left no note.
We’ve speculated and speculated but we can’t seem to be able to logic our way out of it.
After many months of deep self work, this is where I’ve arrived.
What I feel intuitively is that the pain he felt which drove him to leave this life was the pain that comes from not being able to feel truly loved, whole, connected, and fulfill his potential.
He never told me this, but I just know it in my heart.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I could not “save” my brother.
I’ll admit it still hurts that we don’t ever talk about what happened to him in my family. I realize they have to deal with the loss in their own way and I can’t expect them to grieve the way I do.
My old pattern would be to worry more about their needs than my own and try to “fix” them.
I’ve learned (slowly) that I can’t fix my family members nor do they need fixing.
I’ve learned to focus on my own healing and needs. By using the painful parts of my past to reveal the things that needed healing in me, I’ve become empowered.
Learning to stay in the present moment and show up for myself has been a remarkable experience.
I now focus on how my experiences and struggles can benefit others and pave the way for them.
I can’t change the past but I can facilitate healing and transformation for those who are ready.
I can affect the future by helping others change their genetic destiny and heal on the deepest level that they pass this healing through generations.
Instead of passing on generational trauma, we can create a legacy of emotional wellness, peace and joy.
In ourselves, our families, our communities and the world.
When we work from the inside out we can truly change the world.
Now that’s worth passing on.
So, having used this painful life event to connect with my deepest “Why”…….
“Helping people heal, transform and reach their highest human potential”
So many other things in my life have aligned and I rarely struggle with doubt.
When I wake up in the morning, I know what my mission is and I know that life wants for me what I want for myself.
I’ve learned to trust life and I finally feel true freedom.
I still deeply miss my brother but I know that he is cheering me on from wherever he is and that brings me peace.
Learn More about how to work with me:
I used to be a Rock Star…….
Wait a minute, I still am!!!
Yes, that’s really me 23 years ago. I experienced a brief period of marginal local “fame” in a band I played and sang in called “My Friend the Atom” (yes, very nineties).
Mostly we played small local venues with no more than 50 people or less at a time but at the height of our popularity, we were invited to play at a “battle of the bands” type of event in which the audience was at least 500 people. It was one of the truly remarkable moments in my life in which I experienced what it felt like to be a “rock star”.
When I found this picture the other day and was remembering what it felt like to be in that moment. I asked myself, what does it really mean to be a rock star?
It’s not really about the guitar or the music. It’s not about the vocals or the hair style.
It’s about sharing an energy that comes from the universe.
When I was standing on that stage in front of all those people playing my guitar with the rest of the band, something incredible happened.
I felt myself as though I was the music and become one with the audience. It was like my personality was gone and this energy was moving through me but it did not come from me. Then the music stopped and the audience went wild with applause as we rushed off the stage.
It was an incredible experience and I would almost describe it as mystical.
When I thought about this, I realized that I still do this when I’m coaching or teaching and training. There is this energy that moves through me and when I get out of it’s way, it does all the work. The clients are able to transform because we are all part of this field of energy where healing occurs. It is a shared experience that can only happen when all parties are willing.
After a session, I feel so blissed out because I get to be a part of this energy. I stop focusing on the external world of time, space, tasks, my personality and so forth and become one with divine energy.
I am healed along with the client.
This is what it feels like to be a rock star.
When you are that connected to the energy of your life’s work, this is what it feels like.
There is an energy that wants to work through you and with you. You can feel it inside tugging at you all the time.
This is your life’s work and you can experience outrageous fulfillment if you surrender and let it guide you.
So what are you waiting for? Go be a rock star!
Download you free meditation below
Heart Mind Meditation
There was a story about a woman who fell into a deep hole and could not get out.
She stood in the hole calling out for help.
Her doctor came by and looked down at her. “Why are you in that hole?”
“I fell in and can’t get out! Can you help me?” said the woman.
The doctor pulled out his prescription pad and wrote something on it. He then dropped the note down to her.
“Here you go, follow this prescription and you should be fine.” and he walked on.
Then the woman’s priest came by.
“Can you help me get out of this hole?” she called out to the priest.
“Of course my child,” he said as he pulled out a small folded note from his robes, “Say these prayers and you will be fine.”
He dropped the prayers in the hole and went on his way.
The woman was still in the hole and starting to feel very panicked. “Won’t somebody PLEASE help me get out of this hole? I’m getting very scared I’ll be stuck in here forever!”
Just then the woman saw a friend approaching. The friend looked down, smiled and immediately jumped in the hole with her.
“Why did you do that?” the woman said with surprise, “Now we’ll both be stuck.”
“No my friend,” she said, “I jumped down here because I’ve been here before and I know the way out.”
The moral of this story is simple.
If someone offers to help you out of your hole, make sure they really know the way!
Download you free meditation below
Heart Mind Meditation
I teach female entrepreneurs how to transform crisis and chaos into a peaceful and prosperous life.
And I KNOW what you are going through!
Many entrepreneurs, especially females, tend to feel guilty when we are focusing on ourselves and growing our business.
We feel panicked and anxious about growing spiritually.
We sometimes feel we are neglecting our roles as spouses, parents, friends and family. Because we are naturally so giving (which is why we are successful in business), we tend to take responsibility for others feelings and problems and want to fix everything.
While the desire to help others is a wonderful quality, the downside is we can get caught up in our loved one’s unsolvable problems and drama.
This can really pull our attention and focus from our own lives and business.
The phone rings and you immediately become tense.
Your friend complains because you’ve “changed” and don’t get her anymore. You have decided to stop complaining about being “broke” and focus on abundance. She thinks you are judging her now.
Your family member who is used to you always taking their side and validating their victim story is incensed when you suggest a way for them to feel better about themselves.
Your spouse says you seem too busy for them anymore.
There is more conflict in your relationship.
You go from being angry to hurt and feel guilty all the time.
Maybe something is wrong with you? (girlfriend, there’s NOT)
We might even be a little addicted to it. (true story) because there is some kind of pay off.
Typical payoffs (unconscious) are as follows:
– It’s safer to stay small and not shine too much
– It gives a reason to delay or procrastinate what we know we should do to grow our business
– It distracts us from our own self-growth
– We can be the victim so we don’t have to take responsibility for limitations
It’s not likely you are consciously doing this but if any of this resonates with you, it might be an unconscious pattern you are stuck in.
This usually is the result of programming that occurred before the age of 6 years old when we were developing our neural pathways in response to our environment.
We tend to be unwilling to make changes because we don’t want to upset our loved ones. We fear to create more conflict and more anxiety for ourselves.
We feel hopeless and powerless to change this pattern.
We are simply stuck. It feels awful.
The good news is we can change these patterns with self-awareness, willingness and some tools such as mindfulness, meditation, coaching and EFT/tapping.
What would it feel like to wake up in the morning knowing you are allowed to have a peaceful day and do all the things you love?
What would it feel like to get a call from that panicked family member and not get triggered?
What would it feel like to know that by cultivating peace in your life, you can truly help others to do the same?
What if you could leave the drama behind without sacrificing your relationships even if you have no idea how this could change?
There is hope to live this way because I’ve been there and done that!
Together we will work to take you from being stuck, panicked and overwhelmed to peaceful, productive and prosperous!
If you are ready to leave the world of drama and crisis behind and fulfill your potential as an empowered entrepreneur, reach out to me.
Download your free meditation below
Heart Mind Meditation
You know how there are those times when you are desperately trying to create something different in your life but that old nasty habitual behaviour keeps sabotaging your progress?
You actually know what you need to do or stop doing but you are compulsively continuing the same pattern over and over again no matter how much suffering it causes you.
know what actions you need to take in your business but procrastinate until it’s too late.
put off having that conversation to put better boundaries in place and continue to give your power away.
constantly re-visit old conflicts in your mind that create a stress response in your body now.
beat yourself up for not keeping up with your meditation, yoga or other self-care practice.
I know what it is like to feel so stuck and hopeless to change a habit that is keeping you from having what you want…
- more money
- a sense of empowerment
- healthy relationships
Essentially, all these things above are the outcome of your ability to cultivate inner peace.
Any habit that is an obstacle to your inner peace is robbing you of the prosperity you deserve!
The reason it is so hard is that your body has created a chemistry that supports your old thinking.
The thoughts that formed the habit in the first place created the physiology your cells are used to.
When you try and introduce new thoughts that support different behaviours, your body rebels because it is addicted to the current chemistry.
The good news is you really can “break” those habits and create new chemistry if you understand how the brain and body work together.
You must be willing to look at how your current neural patterns (formed a long time ago) are wired to keep these habits in place.
You must also be willing to do a little work to create new patterns that eventually over-write the old ones.
I know it is possible because I have done this over and over to transform my own life.
Do you want to know how? Although I’ve used many tools and techniques that had a powerful effect, the one thing that is essential is too simple for some people to accept.
JUST KEEP GOING!
Don’t let the bumps in the road stop you. Get up again and don’t make a story about it.
The most successful people will tell you the same thing. They had many failures before they got to where they are now.
It takes a commitment to break habits of behaviour, thinking and patterns that don’t serve you anymore.
Go ahead and give yourself credit for starting the journey. This in of itself is a major success!
Love and Light.
Download your free meditation below
Heart Mind Meditation